There are days that I feel like I cannot win, no matter how hard I try or how good I am, I just cannot win. We've all had them. It's not like I am unusual in having those days when I wake up and feel like the world just wants to shit on my face.
For me a lot of this feeling is wrapped up in this huge change I am about to embark on. I am about to move from Salem, Oregon, where I have lived all my life, to Los Angeles, CA. My husband got a job, so he's has been down there since March. I will be moving down to join him right after Christmas.
My impending move has brought a lot of my crazy to the surface. I've had so many anxiety attacks over the past few weeks, it's not funny. I find myself worrying that I will have trouble making friends, finding a job, finding a dance studio, finding fire performers... you name it. I have nightmares of getting lost and finding myself in the "wrong" neighborhood, or discovering that my husband has decided that he doesn't need me with him after all, or that the cats arrive in L.A. and they've died sometime during the two hours they were on the plane... Awful stuff. I know it's just the anxiety but, the dreams have been incredibly vivid and disturbing.
It has all been bad, however. I look forward to living in a place where I will be able to go play outside almost every day. I look forward to having the time to work on my writing. I look forward to waking up next to my husband everyday. I look forward to the opportunity to spend time with the few friends I do have in L.A. And, as nervous as I am that it won't happen, I look forward to making new friends.
I have been surprised by the outpouring of support from my friends as I've been dealing with my husband being gone and wrapping my brain around moving to L.A... Not surprised that it's been there, surprised by whom it has (and hasn't) been coming from. People that I expected to give me love, support, and strength have pulled away to the point that I am wondering if I should bother attempting to spend time with them before I leave, while people who I didn't realize were such great friends have reached out to me during my darkest moments and helped to keep me from losing my mind. So, to those of you who have been loving and supportive: thank you. To those that haven't: I've noticed. It will not be forgotten.
Moving on...
As I have been dealing with the emotional shit, I have also had the pleasure of dealing with the onset of arthritis and bursitis in my right hip and, once I got that under control (thank the Gods for cortisone), I came down with bronchitis. I was given prescriptions yesterday that will cost me almost every cent I have to fill all of them... Every day is a new adventure, eh? So, to sum it up, I'm broke, anxiety-ridden, and unable to breathe.
But, it will get better. All of it. I've been around long enough to know that in life, all things ebb and flow. Health (mental and physical) will improve, finances will get better, life will get easier. I am loved. I am wanted. It's all gonna be okay.
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